This was a post from my earlier blogging days (when I referred to myself as Jenners). It was a fan favorite, so I’m reposting it now. And I must say, I’m a HUGE fan of Girl Scouts (especially the Thin Mints). I had a ton of cool experiences in Girl Scouts.
When my mom visited in November, she brought one of the finest pieces from the Jenners Temple of Holy Relics (i.e., the basement where she stores all her children’s abandoned junk). Feast your eyes on this—a vintage Girl Scout vest circa the early 1980s.
I was seriously into the Girl Scouts. I started as a Brownie in 1st grade and stuck with it until I entered high school. I believe I received all the badges that were available at the time and one of Girl Scouting’s highest honors. (What that honor is, I don’t know. That is lost in the mists of time. Sure, a Google search could probably get me that information but that really isn’t the point of this post.)
As I looked at the badges that I had earned, I wondered if there was a statute of limitations on them as many of the skills that would have been required to earn the badge have long faded (probably within minutes of receiving the badge). And some of the badges are just downright mysterious to me. What on earth do they mean? What did I do to earn them? Let’s take a little tour, shall we?
Obviously, this badge is for sewing, possibly even dressmaking. I have vague memories of sewing a skirt during Girl Scouts. (A skirt that survived one wearing but a skirt nonetheless.) Can I sew today? No, I cannot. (Nor could I sew back then based on the increasingly pathetic stitchery you will see on the badges.) Would I even know how to begin to make a dress today? No, I would not. Clearly this badge should be revoked.
A badge for sleeping? Well-deserved I say, and something at which I still excel. Sleeping in, naps, early bedtimes, ability to sleep more than 12 hours—I can do it all. I certainly am entitled to keep this badge. (I’d just like to point out the horrible stitch work that keeps this badge on the vest. I believe that was my handiwork—and it would look about the same if I sewed it on today.)
I’m guessing this is a badge for stargazing. At this point in time, I can probably show you the Big Dipper and Orion’s belt. I might be able to show you the plant Venus—but chances are it would end up being an airplane. This badge should probably be revoked.
This badge is a bit unclear to me. Is it for breaking and entering? Masonry? Creating a home? Any way you slice it, I’m a bit shaky.
I do know my ABCs so I feel confident that I can keep this badge.
This seems to be a badge for painting—and not artistic painting (there is another badge for that). I can’t imagine that I would have been allowed to paint walls in a house when I was a Girl Scout, but my slapdash painting abilities today seem like it is possible I learned my painting skills when I was 12 and never progressed. Status today would be questionable and I cite the Paint In My Eyeball Incident of 2001.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out what this badge might be for. Lamp lighting? Train signaling? Whatever it is, I doubt I would still have these skills today, although I am proficient at turning on lights.
The fact that I earned a badge for dancing to music is clearly a joke, and it should be rescinded immediately.
What the hell is this for? Shoe making? Elf skills? Ability to select strange footwear? Even at my worst (the bright yellow Reebok high tops I owned in college), I never wore shoes this horrible and inappropriate.
There may have been a time in the past when I could help someone who was injured. Sadly, that time has passed. I am not good in emergency situations. When I was in high school, an old lady fell in the mall and bent her finger back in a weird way and started bleeding. I was completely useless and almost required medical intervention myself once I saw the blood. The fact that this badge is still in my possession is a travesty.
WTF is this for—magic carpet riding? Ability to levitate? Was I in some kind of weird, peyote-eating Girl Scout troop?
Another strange one! Is this a badge for excellence in treasure hunting? I think I should look into the Girl Scout troop I was in … clearly something was amiss.
I cannot make keys, nor can I pick locks. However, I can unlock and lock a door with a key. If this is the skill learned from the badge, the Girl Scouts didn’t set their sights too high.
A badge in hobo excellence or running away from home in an old-fashioned manner? Another strange one that leaves me scratching my head.
Spring, summer, autumn, winter. I think I can keep this one.
